Miscellaneous Jokes
Master an assortment of witty one-liners, dad jokes and puns that can be appreciated by a wide audience
What’s that pun you can say when someone mentions NY as “the big apple”?
We all know where the big apple is. But does anyone know where the . . .
Minneapolis?
Tip: Be sure to articulate “Minneapolis” so that it sounds equally like the city name and like “mini apple is”
Key Terms
What’s that pun you can say when someone mentions NY as “the big apple”?
We all know where the big apple is. But does anyone know where the . . .
Minneapolis?
What’s that joke about pyromaniacs?
(A pyromaniac is someone with an obsessive desire to set fire to things.)
Q: What did the father tell his boy when asked if they were pyromaniacs?
A: Yes, we ar-son!
What’s that joke about an angry snowman?
Q: What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?
A: It’s having a meltdown.
What’s that joke about staying up past your bedtime (or skipping a nap)
Did you know you can go to jail for staying up past your bedtime (or skipping a nap)?
You’d get cha...
What’s that joke about puns?
OR that pun about entering into a contest?
I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.
No pun in ten did.
Explan...
What’s that joke about cliffhangers?
You know what they say about cliffhangers…
[Just look away and stop talking]
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| Term | Definition |
|---|---|
What’s that pun you can say when someone mentions NY as “the big apple”? | We all know where the big apple is. But does anyone know where the . . . Minneapolis? Tip: Be sure to articulate “Minneapolis” so that it sounds equally like the city name and like “mini apple is” |
What’s that joke about pyromaniacs? (A pyromaniac is someone with an obsessive desire to set fire to things.) | Q: What did the father tell his boy when asked if they were pyromaniacs? A: Yes, we ar-son! Tip: Be sure to articulate the two syllables of “arson” individually, so that it sounds equally like “arson” as “are, son.” |
What’s that joke about an angry snowman? | Q: What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A: It’s having a meltdown. |
What’s that joke about staying up past your bedtime (or skipping a nap) | Did you know you can go to jail for staying up past your bedtime (or skipping a nap)? You’d get charged with resisting a rest. |
What’s that joke about puns? OR that pun about entering into a contest? | I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win. No pun in ten did. Explanation: This is made to sound like the common expression, “No pun intended.” |
What’s that joke about cliffhangers? | You know what they say about cliffhangers… [Just look away and stop talking] People will likely sit there waiting for the “punchline”, until enough silence goes by that they realize that your sudden aloofness is the punchline. |
What’s that joke about sleepwalking? | Q: What do you call a priest who sleepwalks? A: A roamin’ Catholic. Tip: Emphasize the word “roamin’“. |
What’s that joke about Santa Claus? | Q: What do you call a poor Santa Claus? A: St. Nickel-less. |
What’s that pun about a dad joke? | Q: When is a joke a dad joke? A: When the punchline becomes apparent. Tip: Be sure to articulate the two parts of “apparent” individually, so that it sounds equally like “apparent” as “a parent.” |
What’s that joke about a short attention span? | There are two types of people in the world. Those with a short attention span and, look over there… it’s a plane! |
What’s that joke about a mood ring? | Someone stole my mood ring. I’m not sure how I feel about that. |
What’s that joke about stealing a calendar? | Did you hear about those two guys who got caught stealing a calendar? They both got 6 months. |
What’s that joke about bricks and feathers? OR that joke about living with the weight of your decisions? | Q: What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A: The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds. |
What’s that joke about Will Smith? | Q: How do you look for Will Smith in the snow? A: Just follow the fresh prints. Explanation: Will Smith is the titular protagonist of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. |
What’s that joke about windmills? | Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other replies, “I’m a big metal fan.” |
What’s that joke about Santa Claus’s sleigh? | Santa Claus never pays for parking. Because for him parking is always on the house. |
What’s that joke about being indecisive? | I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. |
What’s that joke about the phrase two’s company, three’s a crowd? OR that joke about raindrops? | Q: What did one raindrop say to the other? A: Two’s company, three’s a cloud. Explanation: The phrase “two is company, three is a crowd” is quoted when two people want to be alone together and the presence of a third person stops that from happening. |
What’s that joke about a prison sentence? | Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence. |
What’s that joke about ocean waves? | Q: What did the ocean say to the beach? A: Nothing, it just waved. |
What’s that joke about a troubled musician? | Q: What do you call a musician with problems? A: A trebled man. |
What’s that joke about Humpty Dumpty’s fall? | Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? A: Because he always has a great fall. |
What’s that joke about a clean getaway? | Q: Why did the robber wash his clothes before he ran away with the loot? A: He wanted to make a clean getaway. |
What’s that joke about lifting spirits? | Q: Why do ghosts love elevators? A: It lifts their spirits. |
What's that joke about two people at a river? | Two men are on opposite sides of the river. The first man shouts, “How do I get to the other side of the river?” The other man yells, “You ARE on the other side of the river.” |
What's that joke about bad liars? | Q: Why are ghosts terrible liars? A: Because you can see right through them. |
What's that joke about the phrase "time will tell"? OR that joke about sharing secrets? | Q: Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? A: Well, time will tell. |
What's that joke about having guts? | Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other? A: They don't have the guts. |
What's that joke about the duck that got arrested? | Q: Why did the duck get arrested? A: He got caught selling quack. Tip: Be sure to articulate the pronunciation of quack so that it sounds a bit more like crack. |
What's that joke about taxi drivers? OR that joke about the going the extra mile? | Q: Why did the taxi driver get fired? A: Passengers didn't like it when she went the extra mile. |
What's that joke about lifting you up? | I love elevator jokes. They lift me up when I'm down. |
What's that joke about fireworks and batteries? | Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off. |
What's that joke about being laughed at? | People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian." Well nobody's laughing now. |
What's that joke about life's disappointments? | I like older people because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me. |
What's that psychology joke about Pavlov? | Q: Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A: No, but it makes my mouth water. Explanation: Ivan Pavlov was a Russian psychologist and experimental neurologist who conditioned dogs to salivate when he rang a bell. Read more about him here. |
What's that joke about fastening seatbelts? | couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked. |
What's that joke about stormy relationships? | Why did the weatherman break up with his girlfriend? It was too stormy of a relationship. |
What's that joke about airplane smells? | Q: Why do they hang car fresheners in airplanes? A: They really help with descent. Tip: Be sure to articulate the two syllables of descent, so that it sounds somewhat closer to the words "the scent". |
What's that joke about having a "green thumb"? | Q: Why is the Grinch such a good gardener? A: He has a green thumb. Explanation: A "green thumb" refers to someone who is skilled at gardening. |
What's that joke about Beyoncé? | Q: Who is Santa’s favorite singer? A: Beyon-sleigh. Tip: Be sure to carefully pronounce the words Beyon-sleigh so that it sounds a bit more like Beyoncé. Beyoncé is an American singer, songwriter, and businesswoman, who has been widely recognized for her boundary-pushing artistry and vocal performances. |
What's that joke about ghost exorcisms? | Q: How do ghosts stay in shape? A: By exorcising. Tip: Be sure to carefully articulate "exorcising" to make it sound slightly different from "exercising." |
What's that joke about the best time of day? | 6:30 is the best time of day. Hands down. Explanation: On an analog clock, when both "hands" are down, the time is 6:30. |
What's that joke about the phrase "on your mark"? | Q: Did you know Karl Marx had a sister who invented the starting pistol? A: Onya. Onya Marx. Explanation: Often at the beginning of a race, you will hear "on your mark, get set, go!" The word "mark" refers to the place on the running course where the runner starts the race. |
What's that joke about a blonde at a library? | A blonde walks into a library and says in a loud voice, “I want a cheeseburger and fries please.” The librarian leans forward and quietly tells the blonde “This is a library miss.” The blonde replies “Oh sorry.” and whispers “I want a cheeseburger and fries please.” |